Okay. So, there's this guy I know. He's in his forties, single, lives in his parents' basement, and drives a school bus. He proudly wears his high school letter jacket from 1979, but he's super fat so he can no longer button it... the front won't reach past his armpits. In fact, all his clothes are waaaaay too tight, with pocket linings straining at the seams and shirt buttons ready to pop.
I see him sometimes up at the bar, where he often tries to hang out with us. However, I cannot allow this to happen for the following reasons:
1. He plays air guitar to songs like "Open Arms" and other horrid 80's ballads when they play over the sound system. Or worse, air drums.
2. He has a huge, ugly tattoo on his right manbreast, which he insists on showing everyone every chance he gets. The sight of his exposed hairy DDD's are a sure buzzkill, even on the best of nights.
3. Once he saw me in Target buying a cartload of stuff, and the next time we saw him at the bar he tried to narc me out to my husband. He was even pointing to me, like my husband wouldn't know who he was talking about otherwise.
4. I'm frankly ruded out by anyone who peaked at age 18 and feels the need to keep relivin' those glory days. Like Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite. Gross. And oh so sad.
5. This one time he was talking on a cell phone, having this long, involved conversation. Then he said goodbye, but when he took his hand away, THERE WAS NO PHONE IN HIS HAND. HE WAS PRETENDING. FOR LIKE TEN MINUTES. HOLY CRAP.
6. He often talks about girls on the bus he drives being hot for him, or how hot he is for them. For cripes' sake, they're in junior high! How disgusting is that?? It's good to know that our school districts don't have a huge problem with pedophiles driving our kids around. One guy at the bar suposedly called the district and said something, yet the guy continued to drive the bus. Real nice.
7. Plain and simple, when his shirt buttons start popping off under the pressure of his growing girth, and believe me they will, I don't want to be sitting close enough to lose an eye.
Sometimes I wish this guy would disappear, but then I'd have to find someone else to laugh at, and that takes time and energy. He's like a horrible trainwreck: you just can't look away, no matter how much you feel like hurling.
Am I the meanest bitch in the world? Maybe. Should I feel sorry for the guy instead of mocking him? Probably. But pity isn't half as much fun.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
You're funny. And no, you are not a mean bitch for not wanting to let him hang out with you. After all, does the BIBLE say you should hang out with him? I mean, yeah, Jesus hung out with the "losers", but come on.... If you feel guilty, just tell him about Jesus and then tell him to get lost! hahahaha
Ok. Maybe I'm a mean bitch too.
oh, T... you're totally a mean bitch too. And that's one of the reasons I love you so.
-D
I'm pretty sure I would react the same way as you. I get grossed out by older guys pretty easily and if he were talking about the girls on his bus, I'd for sure want to knock him out. Maybe it's not the love that Jesus would show him, but I'm not that good yet.
Yeah, Andrea... I'm not very Christ-like either, especially not up at the bar.
i think that Jesus would knock him out! For sure... he is way nasty and maybe sould get a different job if he has to check out little girls. SO i kinda want to get in the blog clan here... are you three exclusive, if I should just step out tell me ok...
i can't believe that you guys do this for fun... i have to do itfor class. Actually yours are fun, encourageing and funny to read so you should always do it. if i don't make sence that is because i have a presentation in 13 minutes and I can hardly think. I have presenting to people older than 16. ok so is this turning into a blog instead of a comment. peace chica
Joy, I'll speak for Donna and everyone here and say that this is absolutely not exclusive and your comments are welcome and wanted. After all, what fun would it be if no one ever commented on your blog?
Since you have to do yours for school, I can see how it's not as much fun for you. But it's totally fun when you're blogging about things you love or hate like for example...Prince, karaoke, minivans, kitties, or church!!! I'll leave it to you all to decide which of those you love or hate!
Joy, this is totally not an exclusive group. And yeah, it is kinda wierd that we do this for fun. But hey, we gotta find our fun where we can, right??? Post anytime, anything you want. I'd love to read your blog, even if it is for school.
-D
So, I can just let you know that we would love to have you. I mean, I don't even have a blog yet and I am posting comments on everyone elses. I guess you could say I'm living my life through Donna and Theresa. Whatever man! I'll get my own blog someday...maybe.
Post a Comment