So, I was up at Psycho Suzy's one night, havin' a drink on the tiki patio, and there was a group of women talking about a friend of theirs. One of them kept saying she was "The quintessential friend." She said it like 50 times. I was ready to smack her one. I hate it when an idiot learns a big, new word and then uses it a million times to try to sound smart.
My MIL was talking about my sister, and asking about her marriage. My sister is married to a man from Kenya. My MIL goes, "So, she doesn't mind that he's black?" Holy crap. I go, "Well, gee... since they've been married for a while now, my guess would be that it's not an issue." Is there a cure for diarrhea of the mouth??? When I told my sister about it she laughed her ass off. She goes, "Yeah, I think every woman hopes that she can change her husband after the wedding, but he just never got any whiter!"
This one time, my husband was trying to sound all smart about something, and he goes, "Just call me N.I.A.S. Know It All Scott." I go, "Yeah... I'm pretty sure 'know' starts with a 'K'." So now every time he talks out of his ass I call him "N.I.A.S.".
There's a guy in my class who keeps calling this one lady "LeeAnn," even though her name is Lynea. We've told him about a thousand times, but he still calls her LeeAnn.
When one of my husband's relatives found out I'm studying to be a hospice chaplain, she goes, "Are you going to be one of those pastors who goes around telling everyone they're going to hell?" Yeah, that was my plan, cuz I think most people who are dying would be comforted to know that by tomorrow they'll be on permanent broil. Are you mental?????
I also hate it when people say things like, "I'm going to warsh clothes," or, "I checked this book out from the liberry." Remember when the Fonz kept saying "liberry" on Happy Days, and then he ended up teaching high school???
And while we're on the subject of the Fonz... how the hell did anyone think he was cool? He was so gross! My favorite episode was when he crashed his motorcycle. I was hoping he would die, or at least never be able to ride again, which would've served him right for being gross and for saying "liberry," but nooooooooo... he went on to jump the shark and teach high school. I think that's when I lost faith in American television.
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2 comments:
OMGosh! That was so funny Donna. I had to have Jay come over and read it too. We were both laughing our asses off along with your sister. All those stories are a kick in the pants.
I think the word "quintessential" is the lamest word and used only by people trying to sound smart or some weird kind of cool.
Hey, thanks! Here's amother lame word people use waaaay too much: "literally." And most people use it totally wrong anyway, which instantly thwarts their attempt to sound cool or smart.
-D
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