'Tis the season

Well, almost.

Now, I'm not talking about Christmas. I am, however, talking about something that brings me almost as much joy: Icy Sidewalk Season.

If you know me, you know that seeing people fall on the ice makes me happy in the most perverted sense of the word. I think I blogged a bit about people who biff it on the ice last summer, when the weather was warm and balmy and I was longing to see a good, painful winter wipeout.

It's almost time, people. So get out your high heels, slippery-soled loafers, whatever you wear in the name of fashion that makes it necessary to take careful, mincing steps on icy sidewalks and driveways. After the first good freezing rain, I want you to put those shoes on and run with abandon down the iciest sidewalk you can find. Trust me, I will be there watching for you. I have a spidey-sense for these kinds of things.

You will biff it. Oh yes my friend, you will go down hard. If I'm really lucky, and I often am, you will slide at least another four feet on your back before you come to a complete stop. And I will laugh my ass off until I hyperventilate and pass out. It will be magnificent. So, do we have a date?

I know what you're thinking: this woman is insane, sadistic, and just plain mean-spirited. Guilty as charged, on all counts. I also know that I may be totally jinxing myself for a big biff of my own. Like my sister did with throwing up.

One day when we were teenagers, out of the blue, my sister goes, "Sweet! I haven't barfed in this house!" That was huge, because we'd lived there for about eight years. And, frankly, it pissed me off because I'd just barfed earlier that day and it was my own damn fault. (Long story... something involving a down-filled pillow, a large pillowcase, and a Jackass-like stunt I'd conjured up.) Anyhow, the very next day I awakened to the sound of my sister puking her guts out with stomach flu. I was so very, very happy. She'd totally jinxed herself with her arrogant boasting.

Several years later, when she was married and living in CowTown USA, We were on the phone and she told me she'd been puking all day. I go, "You didn't happen to say anything like 'Sweet! I haven't barfed in this house!' in the last few days, did you?" Get this: SHE TOTALLY DID. The first time wasn't enough to teach her a valuable lesson about personal jinxes... she went and jinxed herself again. Priceless.

I know that some of you out there are praying for the jinx effect to take place in my life in regard to my love of seeing people fall down. I fully accept this, and I forgive you. Because you are the ones I want to see biff it the most.