Do I look like a magnet to you???

Well, I am. I am an unfortunate magnet for Things That Won't Shut Up.

Yes, there's the one at my school. But he wasn't my first.

My first Thing was this stupid lady at church who always managed to say something offensive or upsetting. Nine years ago, a few months after my mom died in a car accident, she came up to me, at the Christmas pageant no less, and all she wanted to talk about was the horrible, tragic, painful way my mother died. I started to cry, but she didn't catch the hint. Then, when I was massively pregnant with my third kid, she basically told me I looked like crap. I believe her exact words were "tired and bloated." If I hadn't been so tired and bloated, I would've kicked her ass right there in front of the baptistry.

The next Thing in my life was another church lady. I used to take care of this sweet little disabled boy, and he got sick and died. I saw Thing 2 at the pharmacy, and she started asking me all kinds of inappropriate questions about this kid and about how he died. Like wanting to know if he was a "vegetable" and crap. I wanted to deck her, but I was massively preggo with kid number four. I did manage, through clenched teeth, to let her know that she was being completely insensitive and ignorant.

Then there was the Thing who felt it necessary to loudly state that the morbidly obese man sitting in the row in front of her at Cub Scouts smelled "like rotting flesh."

Today I ended up sitting next to a completely new Thing at a funeral. This lady just would not shut up, and every single thing she said was insensitive and inappropriate, and of course she didn't have the decency to even whisper. Crap like, "If she had a daughter, why isn't she here? Does she know her mother is dead?" Or, "Oooooh boy. I hate it when they shut the coffin before the service. The family will never see her face again. She's all alone in that dark box." Holy crap, you stupid bitch! SHUT THE FRICK UP!!!!! Don't you see that people are shooting crusty looks your way left and right? For God's sake, shut up!!!

I ask you, why am I a magnet for these people??? They seem to gravitate toward me wherever I go. I always end up sitting next to a stranger who has verbal diarrhea, or someone I've just met gloms onto me and starts spewing inane chatter. What have I ever done to deserve such a crappy fate???

Oh yeah... wait... don't answer that.