More Weight Issues

Yeah. I'm still losing weight, and I am not happy about it. I look like a frickin' skeleton. I can count my ribs,can see each of my vertebrae in detail, and my hip bones jut out like nobody's business. And the loose skin draped over the bones ain't helping matters, either. Yuck.

I have now lost 104 lbs, and the more I lose the more each pound counts. I mean, when you weigh over two hundred pounds losing five pounds doesn't make much of a difference. When you weigh under 140, even two or three pounds can really change the way you look.

I hate it when people tell me I'm too thin. Too thin is as unattractive as too fat. How the hell did I end up on the other end of the frickin' spectrum???

Here's the kicker: I don't know how the hell to stop it. What am I supposed to do, frickin' gorge myself all day long until I start gaining weight again? Start cooking with bacon fat?

As you know from previous posts, I don't particularly like to eat anymore. It's not really a conscious thing... it's just not something I'm fixated on anymore. I really do eat, and I do eat until I feel full. I even snack, which I'm not really supposed to do. I'm getting the calories in when I think about it, even though I only do it because I have to eat to live. So what is wrong with my body??? Why can't I maintain my weight???

I know what you're thinking. You're sitting there saying that I am way too fixated on my weight. Damn straight I am. I am what other post-ops refer to as a "scale whore." I weigh myself daily, sometimes more than once a day. I keep careful track of my weight loss on an Excel spreadsheet, complete with a line graph.

Here's the thing: can you really blame me? I mean, this is a whole new ballgame for me. I was huge for so many years, and never thought I would be at a normal weight again. Yet here I am. I still feel like it's all a dream, and that I'm going to wake up one morning to find that I'm still fat and sick. This year has knocked me for a loop in every way: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm waiting for the wheels to stop spinning, for things to even out, and for the day when this life feels normal, instead of feeling like it's changing every frickin' day.

Just do me one huge favor: next time you see me, lie and say I look great. Tell me I'm too thin and I may have to hurt you. Bad. Like stab you with my hip bones or something.