My surgi-versary

One year ago today I had my gastric bypass surgery and got a new lease on life.

One year ago today I weighed well over two hundred pounds. I had diabetes, heart problems, acid reflux disease, and fibromyalgia. I was on a myriad of medications, had to stick my fingers four times a day to check my blood sugar, was in constant pain, always exhausted, and could barely carry out the functions of daily life.

One year ago today my self-esteem was at an all-time low. I felt fat and ugly. I was ashamed of how I looked and ashamed of the lack of self-control that led to my weight problems. I didn't feel I had much to offer, and didn't think I deserved to be loved. I felt like a waste of space. My health problems added to my lack of confidence, because I couldn't do the things I wanted to do or needed to do because of my lack of energy, my pain, and the decline of my neurological functions.

Today I am at a normal weight for the first time in eighteen years. I can exercise, walk, run, dance, and do all the things I couldn't do a year ago. I am not tied down to my medicine cabinet, and now only take two medications for my neuro issues. My diabetes is gone, my heart is normal, I no longer have to worry that acid is burning a hole through my esophagus, and my fibromyalgia flare-ups are minor and few.

Today I can see myself as a woman who has a lot to offer to the world. I am deserving of love and respect. I am a better mother and a better friend than I was a year ago.

This year has not been easy. I've struggled with getting used to the lifestyle change that gastric bypass requires. I've struggled with my changing body image. I struggle with addiction transferrences. Some of my relationships have changed, and not all for the better. I've struggled with the need to redefine myself in this new, healthy body, and there have been times when I've lost sight of who I am and what I want out of life. I've taken risks I wouldn't have taken a year ago, and not all of them have been healthy or wise choices.

I've learned a few things this year. I've learned that there is much more to me than my appearance. I've learned that I cannot fix everything, and that there are some things and some people I just need to let go of. I have learned to love in a way I never knew I could. I've learned to be honest about my needs, wants and feelings, both with others and with myself. I've learned to take chances in life, because I could miss out on something wonderful if I am too afraid to try. I've learned that there can be strength in vulnerability. I've learned that I am on the threshold of something great, and that I have what it takes to step over that threshold with a new honesty and boldness.

I have lost some significant things because of the changes in me, but I have gained so much. Even though this first year after gastric bypass has been more difficult and more intense than I ever could have imagined, I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I have been given a rare opportunity to reinvent myself as a healthy, attractive, normal woman. I am a new creature, and my life can be whatever I am willing to make of it.

So wish me a happy surgi-versary, celebrate this new life with me, and keep trying to guess what I'm going to do next. Today the world is my oyster, baby.