Sooooo pissed!

Okay, I'm warning you... this will be an angry, nasty post. Read on at your own risk.

So there's this bitch up at the bar who's been spreading nasty rumors about me and a couple of my friends and some illicit escapades we've supposedly engaged in. None of these rumors are true, in fact, they're absolutely outrageous if you stop to think about it. But, some idiots will believe anything they hear, even when it comes from a fat, ugly, lying, annoying, smelly nasty snake of a lezbo who is known for butting in where she doesn't belong and for generally being a lying bag of crap.

This has gotten so bad that one friend has stopped coming to the bar for a while. Apparently word of these rumors got back to his girlfriend and made for a nasty confrontation. Of course she trusts him and believes him, but STILL. Nice junior high atmosphere complete with the drunken adult equivalent of a bunch of kids playing the Telephone Game.

So I'm up at the bar last night with my husband and our friend. I've already heard the rumors, have denied any and all involvement, know damn well who started said rumors (because she started the exact same rumor a couple years ago about one of the people involved, but last time it involved him and two totally different people), and I am thoroughly pissed off. I've been cursing her all day, and I go to the bar to relax and have a couple drinks.

Who should slither in but that doughy-faced, buzzsaw-voiced, mullet-wearing poor excuse for a woman!?!?! She sits across the bar from me, strategically avoiding my gaze (smart choice, because if looks could kill she would've keeled over immediately... God, I wish she'd had the nerve to look at me), with this yellow-toothed earthworm-lipped smirk on her medusa face.

I swear to God, it took everything I had to keep from leaping over the bar and clawing her shifty little eyes out. Remember what finally happened to The Thing with my urge to kick him? That bitch is just begging for an old-fashioned beatdown. The only thing that saved her last night was some quick thinking on the parts of my husband and our best friend along with some well-timed fury-diffusing jokes. That and a shot or two to dull my rage.

That lying bag of crap just crossed the wrong person. She has no idea. Yeah, I seem like a nice person, but so did David Banner right before someone pissed him off and he turned into the frickin' Hulk. (Again with the Incredible Hulk reference... maybe I should lay off the Sci-fi channel.) I can turn into a real bitch in a split second when provoked, and there is no better way to provoke me than to rape my moral character at my local hangout. The last time someone made me this furious he woke up in the middle of the night to find me standing over him with a tube of superglue, seconds away from gluing his twig to his berries. He learned pretty quickly that you just do not screw with me. I haven't decided yet exactly how I'm going to handle the bar bitch, but trust me when I say that it will be sweet. For me.

As for you, Robin (you ugly, bloated, sweaty owl pellet), be afraid. Be very afraid.