Another Classic Thingism

A friend of mine from class reminded me of another ridiculous thing The Thing That Wouldn't Shut Up said in class. I couldn't remember it, because the "rectal scale" comment came just before it and overshadowed it. Now that I remember it, I just had to share.

Once again, he was going on about lord knows what. Somehow, in his dumbass mind, whatever he's rambling about somehow connects to the topic at hand, but no one else in the class is able to follow his addled thought processes to make the connection.

Anyhow, he starts going on about his mom, who was a preacher. We've heard a lot about his mom and her great spiritual powers. So he starts talking about how once his niece died, and was dead for about a day, and his mom goes in, lays hands on her, and raises her from the dead.

Wow. There is so much wrong with this story... where do I begin? First of all, you'd think that if someone stops breathing, especially a little kid, someone would call an ambulance or the cops or something... but nooooo. We're supposed to believe that the fam just said, "What the hell... she's dead, but we're just going to hold tight until the Reverend So-and-so can get here and bring her back." Second, who in their right mind just hangs out for a day or so with a dead little kid in the house? Am I the only one who thinks this is just sick and stupid? Third, I totally have a gut feeling that the Thing just pulled this story out of his ass for effect. Now, I do believe that miracles still happen, and it is not entirely impossible that a person whose heart has stopped can be brought back through the power of prayer. I mean, there are numerous instances in the Bible where Jesus and the disciples raised people from the dead. In this case, however, I'm just not buying it. I think the Thing is full of crap.

The funny thing is, he's told fairy tales like this before. Every frickin' time, he precedes his totally unbelievable, half-assed statement with, "And guess what?" And you just know that the next load of crap to come out of his mouth will be total bull. Of course, most of the crap he says is total bull. He's so frickin' predictable.

It's just like when he's trying to add something to a discussion and starts out with, "Yeah, when you said that just now I started thinking..." and you know that whatever he's "started thinking" is basically a regurgitation of whatever the prof or a classmate just frickin' said. And the fact that he always says, "I STARTED thinking," is so telling. You know his brain is in complete neutral until he gets the uncontrollable urge to open his yap, and then he kicks into overdrive without having the slightest clue what the topic is. He latches on to the last sentence he heard and runs with it, taking us all on a confusing, annoying, marathon detour through the incoherent mind of The Thing That Wouldn't Shut Up.

Can you see why I could no longer control my urge to kick him in the shin? And can you really blame me? Yeah, I know it was a bitchy, immature, mean thing to do... but it felt so good. Sooooooo good. Like eating rich, dark chocolate truffles and drinking champagne while getting a foot massage from a Chippendale's dancer on a white, sandy, warm beach in Tahiti. Oh yeah, baby.