I am trouble.

Mmmm Hmmm. Trouble.

A friend of mine regularly tells me that I am trouble. He's half-joking when he says it, but I'm starting to realize that he's right on.

I think I make things difficult for everyone around me with the drama that seems to follow me around like my own shadow these days. I don't try to do this, and I'm not particularly proud of it, but I just can't seem to avoid it.

My life has always been somewhat of a soap opera. I have always managed to find trouble and high drama, and when I don't find it, it finds me. I sometimes make very bad decisions that have long range, complicated consequences, mainly concerning relationships. I also often find myself in the middle of complicated situations through no fault of my own, like when my parents died.

Many, many people have told me that I should write a book about my life. It would definitely be an interesting read; I know that. Never a dull moment.

Here's where I start to feel bad: I don't think the people who get sucked into my soap opera have any idea what they're getting into when they get involved with me. I realize that they are adults who are perfectly capable of making their own choices, and I realize that I am not responsible for them or for their actions, but I hate the fact that I complicate their lives on a regular basis.

I don't think I am capable of avoiding my own drama; I think it's too late for that. I am who I am, and my need for excitement and my need to push the envelope are traits that are as much a part of me as the color of my eyes. But I am starting to feel so very guilty about the drama that I create in the lives of unsuspecting people with good hearts.

Am I corrupting them? Am I jading them? Maybe. Should I warn others early on in my relationships that I am not for the faint of heart? Should I warn them that I will leave them feeling bewildered, uncertain and generally like their worlds have been turned upside down? Probably. Would they really believe me if I told them exactly what they were in for? I doubt it. No one ever does when I try.

So what do I do now? I feel like I should tell the people who love me that they would be better off without me. I feel like I should push them away before I hurt them any more than I already have. I feel like I should give them permission to move on and live a normal life. I feel like I should make them understand that, since I am obviously not in control of my own drama, they remain in a relationship with me at their own risk.

This is the kick in the head: I love them too much to continue being a source of pain and confusion, but I love them too much to let them go. So where does that leave us?