Aerosmith and the Guppy

Last Thursday night I went to the Aerosmith concert at the Target Center. Aerosmith totally rocks. Steven Tyler was as hot as I thought he'd be. He had on these tight little sheer, sparkly pants... soooooooooo nice. I could totally see him too, because we had killer seats. My thighs and butt were so sore Friday morning from dancing. They played mostly classic stuff, and they were in excellent voice.

Couldn't say the same for Motley Crue. I thought they kinda sucked. Very gimmicky in a crappy and vulgar way, I suppose to distract the audience from the fact that musically they sucked ass. They dropped the F-bomb left and right and had naked chicks on the big screen behind them, which was dumb but slightly funny, because I looked around and couldn't believe how many stupid parents brought their little kids... like between 6 and 8 year old kids. Then these parents look all appalled because of what their kids are hearing and seeing, and I'm wondering what the hell they expected from frickin' Motley Crue. Seriously.

So after the concert, we stopped at Big Louie's for a couple drinks. There was this crazy couple there... I laughed my ass off. The guy looked like some kind of albino guppy... he had that really icky color red hair, the kind that's almost a yellowish orange, like a bleached out carrot or something, and his skin was chalk white, except for his bald spot, which was a rosy, shiny pink. His eyes were super far apart and really buggy, and he had this weird, pouty mouth that completed the guppy look. Plus, he was wearing probably the gayest argyle sweater vest I have ever seen. Ever. He was sooooo wasted. His chick was this short, fat, loud bitch that reminded me of Roseanne. She was totally wasted too, and she was yelling at him and insulting him constantly. The meaner she got the more his eyes bugged out. I started wondering if someone should hold his drink under his chin just in case one of those eyeballs bugged out enough to pop out of his pasty, fishlike head.

Anyhow, she starts yelling at him that it's time to go and that he's got five minutes to get his ass in the car or she's leaving without him. She goes outside and he just sits there sipping his drink and annoying everyone with his slurred attempts at intelligent conversation. He tried to put his coat on to leave, but couldn't find the sleeves. After several attempts he gave up and just sat down again to finish his drink. We all start telling him he should just shut up, go home and go to bed, and he's telling us we can't make him leave. I go, "Well, your woman is either gonna leave without you or come back in and kick your ass, and I'm not sure which one I'd like to see more." That just made his eyes even buggier. By this time, I was no longer able to just laugh in my head. I was totally laughing my ass off at the whole situation. Maybe he felt bad that I was laughing at him, but I'm sure he didn't remember much in the morning.

The guppy finally finds his coat arms and leaves, but he's so wasted he doesn't notice that there are a couple steps down to the parking lot. The guppy totally biffed it. HARD. Total belly flop onto the pavement. Since he was so wasted, he didn't feel a thing and got up and stumbled to his car. At this point the bartender called the cops, because these soaks totally shouldn't be on the road. Not thirty seconds later, we see the flashing lights down the street. Yep, the guppy and Roseanne got pulled over and both of them got hauled off to detox. Classic.

What a fabulous night. I had killer seats to Aerosmith, got to lust after Steven Tyler live, got to laugh at drunks at the bar, AND saw one of the sweetest biffs I've seen in a long time. Yeah, baby.