Epiphany

I've been doing some soul-searching tonight, and I've come to some conclusions.

I AM POISON. You heard me.

I warned my ex-boyfriend on multiple occasions to get out while he still could. He didn't. I broke his heart. I destroyed what we had with my own issues and insecurities. He's a good man... he didn't deserve what became of us. I know I have a knack for blaming others for their parts in my meltdowns, and he did play his role, but I took it further and destroyed everything.

Once I see something as damaged, I turn tail and run. I don't stick around to do the hard work that it takes to fix things. I just up and leave. I'm terrified of getting hurt, so once I start to feel hurt, I curl up with my prickly spines out to prevent further damage to myself. Selfish? Yeah. I know it.

So I broke this man's heart because I was afraid. Afraid of pain. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of loss. What I failed to realize... or maybe what I just chose not to realize... is that he was just as afraid as I was. Afraid of all the same things, and maybe more so. Yet I rampaged ahead, and destroyed any chance of salvage.

Maybe I did the same with my ex-husband. I justified everything... I was in so much emotional agony... but maybe I was just selfishly unwilling to see past myself.

Now I'm with somebody new, and I've realized that I have the potential to destroy him. He's young, sweet, trusting, inexperienced... and I am a very dangerous thing for a man like that. We've never butted heads, never argued, but it would be unrealistic to say that it won't happen. And when it does... will I destroy him? Will I bulldoze him? I can't promise that it won't happen.

I don't like what I've become. I don't want to hurt people, I really don't. Yet I can't seem to stop myself. It seems that no one in my vicinity gets away completely unscathed.

Maybe my ex-husband was right: maybe having surgery, becoming attractive, turned me into some kind of monster. Maybe it really did turn me into the Mean Girl that I always despised in high school.

Have I really become that self-absorbed, that self-serving? Have I really become the kind of person who is determined to get what she wants, no matter the cost? Has "collateral damage" become okay to me?

Holy shit, I don't want to be that person...

Last week my oldest son said that he can't even remember what it feels like to have a mother. God, it broke my heart. I just figured that because of his age, his lifestyle, and his alliance with his dad, he just didn't need me or want me. I had no idea that he was waiting for me to reach out. What kind of mother is that???? My son needed me, and I had no idea.

I've said before, partially in jest, that I'm not fit to raise Sea Monkeys. Well, now in all honesty, I Am Not Fit To Raise Sea Monkeys, let alone human beings. What have I done??? My kid doesn't even know me anymore. Maybe no one really does. Maybe I'm not so sure myself.

So Yeah... I Am Poison. End of story. Buyer beware.