Dig me!

Yeah, don't know why I chose that title. Just thought it was funny.

Hi. How's it going? Seems like I've been doing these once-a-month updates. I just never seem to find the time to get on here and do my usual rants.

So, a couple weeks ago the ex and I dropped our oldest daughter off at college. I thought I was fine with the whole thing, until I was over at my best friend's house one night and he asked me how I was feeling about it. It was then I realized that I was totally not okay with the whole thing. For the week leading up to her departure I bawled at the drop of a hat, thinking about her when she was a baby, toddler, little girl, etc... nostalgic melacholia. The end of an era. And, of course, I totally cried when I was saying goodbye to her in her dorm room. As excited as she was to start this new chapter of her life, and as much as I know she can handle it, I felt like some kind of traitor leaving my baby in an unfamiliar place to fend for herself.

Of course, she's doing great. She's having a blast, meeting new people, and seems genuinely happy. I'm really proud of her, and happy for her. But I'm still struggling with this whole thing.

This is what I have trouble with: first, I am old enough to have a kid in college(two, actually, if my son could get his act together, but that's another story), which means that I am OLD. It's true: I am an OLD HAG. For cripe's sake, I'll be forty in a year and a half. Holy crap. So, sending my kid to college has totally made me feel my age. Thank God I don't look my age on top of it. Then I'd really be depressed.

Second, I really miss my kid! She and I have a great relationship. She confides in me, likes to hang out with me when she's not busy with her friends, she's funny, smart, kind, and generally just a great person. Now, before you think my head is swelling here, let me state that I'm entirely sure the way she turned out is more a product of her nature than of my parenting. I'm not fit to raise Sea Monkeys, remember? But anyhow, I just miss her. I mean, she does text message me at least once a day, and she calls at least once a week, so it's not like we're totally cut off, but still.... I miss her!

Third, now she needs money. Lots and lots of money. That sucks, because I'm not exactly rolling in dough. And she doesn't want to ask her dad, because she's afraid he'll yell at her (and he probably would), and she doesn't think he would send her money anyway (and he probably wouldn't). Now, I racked up my credit card debt paying for pretty much the entire senior year and graduation for both the twins, and the ex, who initially was going to pay me back half, decided to stiff me once he realized I'm not going back to him. So I've got these massive bills thanks to that big winking anus, and I've got a kid asking me for hundreds of dollars. Not sure how I'm gonna make it happen, but I gotta find a way to help her out and still be able to pay my bills. I suppose I could start selling myself on the street.... nah. Then I'd have to go out and buy a whole new cheap, slutty wardrobe.

The trip up to my kid's school and back wasn't bad. I just slept the whole time, so there wasn't much opportunity for sparkling conversation with my ex. Bonus. Right now he's in another "I'm gonna prove I'm a changed man so you'll come back to me" phase. I'm sure it won't last long. He's done the same old song and dance before, and once he figures out it ain't getting him anywhere, he goes all evil again. The other shoe should drop any day now... he hasn't been a major dick to me for a couple weeks now.

My oldest son is not making very good choices. Of course, now that he's 18 and living with his dad, there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do. I hope he'll figure things out and get his act together, but I wonder how long it will take, and how much trouble he'll get himself into in the meantime. I do worry about him. He's basically a good kid, and I just don't want him to get creamed by the real world before he has a chance to reach some of the potential I know he has.

The little kids started school a couple weeks ago, and both of them are doing great. They love their teachers. There's a new principal, which makes me very happy. The old principal was a dick and a half. He was old and crappy, and really had no idea how to deal with kids. He'd use all these big words that I'd have to explain later, and just generally was a sour old butthead. But now he's gone, and the school seems like a much better place to be. Sweet.

My job has been interesting. There's one woman there who hates my guts, and I hear it's because of how I look, and because she thinks I'm in my twenties. I'm sorry, but that sucks ass. Especially since I used to be a fat chick like her. Well, not exactly like her... I was never that ugly, I won't be that old for another decade, and I'm not a chiffon-wrapped, sugar-coated, venom-spewing, baby-waby-voiced bitch from hell. She takes every opportunity to hate on me, trying to trash me all over the office. Yeah... bring it on, witchiepoo. I'm not as young and stupid as you think I am, and I can be as bitchy as you are if I need to be. Let's dance, sugar.

Well, I gotta go eat something. I'm loathe to do it, because I've gained 5 lbs in the past 2 1/2 months. Yuck. I mean, I'm actually at my ideal weight right now, but I've decided I prefer the lean and mean look. Or the skeletal and anorexic look, depending on who you ask. I've been trying not to gorge myself, but in my head I'm still a fat chick who likes to indulge in emotional overeating, and I'm absolutely terrified of making a pig of myself and gaining weight again. However, I am thinking of going out later, and an evening of drinking on an empty stomach is never a good idea, so I think I'll heat up some leftover garlic mashed potatoes and watch a little TV for a while.

It's been real... see ya soon.