Heartbroken

I am so sad today. I've lost my best friend.

I overreacted to a situation, said some things I really didn't mean, and forced an all-or-nothing confrontation. I want to take it all back and go back to the way things were, but I'm not sure it's possible. I'm afraid the damage is done.

The thing is, I know in my heart that I can't live without him. He is my best friend, my drinking buddy, my confidant, my comforter, my sounding board, my truth-teller, and my equal in every way. I have never known anyone who challenges me, accepts me, respects me, cares about me, and instinctually understands me the way this man does. Aside from my children, there is no one more important to me than him. Yet I pushed him away in a temporary rush of anger... I hurt the one person I swore I would never hurt, and I'm not sure he can forgive me, because I know I can't forgive myself.

I would do just about anything to fix this. I will beg forgiveness on my hands and knees if I have to. I am so full of regret, remorse, and horror. I can't stop crying, can't stop the physical pain of this grief, can't stop wishing I could erase what I've done.

I wish I knew why I act the way I do. I wish I could stop being so intense, so controlling, so emotional. I cause nothing but heartache and confusion, both for myself and for everyone I love.

I want my best friend back. I want it more than anything in the world.