Ooooooow. My dignity.......

That's got to be one of the funniest lines I've ever heard, courtesy of my 12 yr old son. We were playing WWE wrestling, and I totally took him down with a leg-lock and then pinned him good. His response? "Ooooooooow! My dignity!" I laughed until I couldn't breathe. That kid is so f'ing hilarious.

So here's the deal: Life has got me in a half-nelson, and I'm thisclose to getting totally pinned for the count. Hopefully I can find a way to kick out, but it's looking a little grim today.

I lost my job a couple weeks ago. I made a relatively minor mistake, which supposedly caused two other employees to make a bigger mistake. There were huge extenuating circumstances surrounding the whole thing, and basically I became the corporate scapegoat.

Am I pissed? Hell yes. I can't believe one coworker in particular threw me under the bus to save herself. I'm pissed because the day I made my mistake I was totally overworked and overwhelmed, and my supervisor knew it. I'd worked a full day of overtime, plus the whole weekend, putting me on day 9 of a 12-day stretch. I cried at lunch that day, telling my supervisor I'd hit the wall because I was so exhausted and overworked. I even posted something similar on Facebook that morning. Then I went back to my office and wrote ONE SENTENCE in the communication book that, a month later, ended my career. FUCK.

So now I'm looking for a job. Hopefully I'll qualify for unemployment so that I can continue to feed my family and keep a roof over our heads while I'm searching. I gotta tell ya, people: there's not much out there for LPNs these days. At least nothing equitable to my former position and salary. So I'm also pissed at myself for letting my dream job slip away.

Mike has been fabulous through all this. The first thing he did was remind me that we've been through this before. He reminded me that when I lost that job at the crappiest home care company on earth, my solution was to wallow in drunken self-pity for a month, clean up long enough to get a new job, and then start drinking again. That's right. I just stayed drunk for a whole month and did NOTHING. Mike pointed out that this time is so very different: we're sober, we're smarter, and we're better-off financially. We can weather this together. I'm so glad I've got him... his calm and easy-going manner keeps me from flying off the handle in a freakish frenzy. Just as I start to escalate, he gently pulls me back from the edge. He just allows me to BE, whatever that may look like at the moment.

Do I think about drinking? Yeah, when I'm feeling sorry for myself I miss my old friends, Jagermiester and Shiraz. They got me through some tough times. However, they also made life a lot worse because they allowed me to just not deal with shit.

Feeling hurts. Some days feeling stuff really sucks. But drinking it away is so not worth it to me.

So I'm staying sober, continuing my recovery, continuing to pursue my RN, desperately searching for a job, and continually trying to figure out the next right thing to do.

One day at a time. Progress, not perfection. Let go and let God. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. All those AA slogans that I used to mock mercilessly..... today they are mine, they have meaning, and they bring peace and comfort. My Higher Power will help me get through this HUGE bump in the road.

Wish me luck, friends, and pray for me if you're into that.

Peace out.