Yes my dear friends, the holidays are upon us once again. Yippee Skippee.
I was trying to coerce my son into good holiday behavior by using the old "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" spiel... you know the drill: "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake," etc. My son, my silly, hilarious Japanese Snow Monkey, gets this strange look on his face and goes, "You mean Santa is stalking me?" I thought about it for a while, and came to this disturbing conclusion:
Santa Claus is stalking your ass.
I mean really.... if you think about it, it's creepy. How does he know when you're sleeping/awake/bad/good???? I really don't want Santa to see some of the things I do, even though they're not summarily bad.
My son and I altered the lyrics of this whimsical holiday tune to reflect the awful truth:
"He sees you when you're sleeping
He watches when you pee
He knows when you are showering
And he looks at your winkie
OOOH you better watch out
You better not sleep
He went through your trash
Your nail clippings to keep
Santa Claus is stalking your ass!"
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Happy Holidays.
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