Life As I Know It

Wow, long time no see.

Life is totally different today than it was last time I posted.

I was unemployed for a month, and although it was really painful, it turned out to be a real gift. I had time to work my program to the Nth degree, doing some really hard, soul-searching work on my life, my relationships with God and others, and on my Self. I took that time to start getting my life on track for the first time.

I found that I'd never really had my shit together in the past, even when I totally thought I was in control and on top of the world. I was always the stupid pigeon trying to drive the bus. Pigeons are sucky drivers. They don't have hands, and they can't reach the pedals. They can't even see over the steering wheel. Once I got out of the driver's seat once and for all and started letting God drive my bus, the pieces of my life started falling into place and everything stared making sense.

As I honestly and fearlessly work the 12 steps to the best of my ability, God is teaching me humility, honesty, patience, kindness, optimism, respect, discernment and perseverance. He's given me serenity and peace that passes all understanding.

I got a job at a home care company in St Paul doing intake and referrals. It kinda fell into my lap. It's good money, but it's really high pressure. It's much less chaotic and miserable than Crystal Care was, but it's hard work and loooong hours. I rack up mucho overtime. However, my bosses are committed to me and to my success in their company, and so I commit myself to my job, and to contributing to the growth and success of the company. I've already gotten one promotion and a raise, and there is promise of more opportunities as time goes on. I'm exhausted at the end of each day, but I start each day with God's help and with a positive attitude, and I pray every day that I will be a positive influence on the world around me.

The kids are all doing great. All of them are working hard, playing hard, and taking responsibility for their lives. I hope that I am a good example and a positive, effective guide for each of them. I am so very proud of all four of them. They are great people, and I cherish the privilege of getting to know each of them and relating to each of them in a way that I couldn't while I was drinking. I thank God for my children, and for the opportunity to be a part of their lives.

Mike is doing great. He's working his program too, and I'm so proud of how far he's come. A year of recovery is a big deal, and we did it together. Life with Mike is easy and comfortable, and that's a wonderful thing. He's such a kind and loving man, and he's really good at tuning into others' feelings. He's generous and patient, and always forgiving. He's a Good Man, and as we all know, those are hard to find. I'm thankful for the life we're building together.

Know what I'm really thankful for? Learning experiences. Even shitty, painful, embarrassing ones. I'm thankful for opportunities to learn about myself and others, to learn new skills, and to learn to let go of my character defects. I'm thankful for opportunities to practice humility, forgiveness, patience, honesty, compassion, accessibility and generosity.

God is refining me, teaching me to become the person he always intended me to be. I'm not sure exactly who that person is yet, but I'm peeing my pants in anticipation of finding out.