A Really Dark Place

I am frustrated, depressed, scared, and completely pissed off.

Once again, I am having neuro problems. My primary doc has been convinced for 4 years that I have MS, but so far the MRIs of my brain have come up clear. The neurologists I've seen have basically told me that I'm crazy because my scans come up clean. Bullfuckingshit.

So here I am, after catching a goddamn cold, with weak legs, pins and needles, brain fog, the whole nine yards again. I'm walking with a fucking cane because my balance is gone. My doc was alarmed enough to send me to the ER to get admitted to test me for MS. Did they admit me? Hell no. They put me on massive doses of steroids and sent me the hell home. Massive doses of steroids? To treat WHAT??? You don't just prescribe horse doses of that shit without a diagnosis. To top it off, the neuro I saw in the ER told me to make an appointment w/ his clinic the next day to get an MRI. When I called yesterday, they told me they don't see patients on an emergency basis. The best they could do was the end of fucking December. I called my clinic, and they couldn't do any better for me.

This is just like 4 years ago. I absolutely am losing faith in neurology as a specialty. Fuck them all.

So here I am, people staring at me in public, friends and family not knowing what to say to me or how to treat me, my weaknesses on display for everyone to see, and there's not a motherfucking thing I can do about it.

I am pissed as hell.

On top of it, I am UGLY. I can't stand up straight, I can't walk straight, I am weak, and I am miserable. The Love Of My Life is clearly uncomfortable with my infirmity. The one person I really need to treat me like there's nothing wrong... CAN'T. I am not attractive, I am not sexy, I am not myself... I'm just... SICK.

I hate this so much.

I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to do anything, I don't want to see anyone, and I sure as hell don't want anyone to see me. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want advice, I don't even think I want sympathy at this point.

I think I just want to be angry. I want to fight this thing on my own terms. I want to hate it, I want to hate what it is doing to me, I want to hate what it is doing to my life. I want to wallow here and be left alone.

I think that maybe my anger is the only thing that can save me at this point. I think that maybe my anger is the only thing about me that I recognize as ME at this point. Everything else is Disease, and is out of my control.

I hate not having control. I need to be in control of my life.

Right now, the only thing that gives me a feeling of having any control at all is being Pissed As Hell.

Fuck this shit. Fuck MS. Fuck the doctors and the hospitals. Fuck pity. Fuck it all.